When Your World Is Shaken
I have not been sure how to share what’s been going on in our lives, but I’ve felt a nudge from God to share. I have wanted things to be all tied up in a pretty bow before sharing, but that’s just not life. We all have these unresolved struggles and that is where the rubber really hits the road, and we have to put our faith into practice.
As we approached summer this year, I had visions of long summer days with my family, enjoying our new baby, Faith. Instead we endured one blow after another. We got off to a bit of a bumpy start with an emergency c-section and then a week later our oldest Norah took quite a fall in our driveway, scraping her gums, busting her lip, and breaking her arm. That was followed by about 5 weeks of Faith not sleeping at night. She had her days and nights reversed and only took catnaps between the hours of 11pm and 5am. Austin and I were like zombies, just making it through, day after day. Depression and anxiety set in for me as the sleep deprivation mounted.
Then came the worst blow of all. I went to go feed Faith one morning (about 4 weeks into not sleeping) and saw my oldest, Norah, in her bed convulsing. I went immediately to wake her up and when she did not respond to my attempts, I held her in my arms screaming for God’s mercy. Austin came in the room in terror, not knowing what was happening. He only heard my screams, along with Eva’s, and saw Norah laying in my arms. He called 911. After a couple of minutes (which felt like an eternity) she stopped convulsing and laid limp.
Thankfully, she woke up crying after a minute or so. She was shaken up, as were we, and had slurred speech for bit before returning to her usual self. She was sweet and happy by the time the paramedics came, and they took her (along with her favorite teddy bear) and Austin to the hospital for testing to make sure she was okay.
This began a journey to find out what could have caused her seizure. She’d been complaining for over a year of weird bouts of distorted vision (lasting only seconds) that occurred a few times a day. After getting her eyes checked last summer and everything coming back okay, the doctor chalked it up to a weird tick. She also, more recently complained of a few blinking spells at night. The neurologist checked her out and said she seemed completely healthy, so she sent us away saying hopefully it was just a one-off.
Eleven days later she had another seizure that we were able to record, which officially classified her as Epileptic and our neurologist immediately put her on medication to try preventing them. She had an MRI and EEG and both tests concluded that part of her occipital lobe had not formed correctly in utero and was causing misfires, leading to seizures.
To watch your child who just weeks ago seemed completely healthy and happy, go through something like this is gut wrenching and terrifying. To not know when or if another seizure will occur is nerve wracking. To not know when the end of this road will come or how things will be resolved is almost unbearable.
School started this week, and that has brought forth more anxiety as we navigate Norah being away from our watchful eyes for hours. As we were getting the girls out of the house to catch the school bus yesterday, Norah fell down our porch stairs, head-first, due to her having a distorted vision episode. It only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough time for her to miss her step and take a tumble. We talked to her about slowing down and taking a pause when these episodes happen. By the grace of God she did not get seriously hurt. Her head was inches away from hitting concrete, but it was as if angels laid her perfectly on her side when she landed.
While the medication appeared to be working and preventing full blown seizures, we decided after her fall, that these visual episodes needed more attention. After further communication with our neurologist they concluded that these distorted vision episodes are focal seizures. They are just parked in the occipital lobe and fortunately have not traveled to other parts of the brain.
We are now in the trial and error part of our journey. Figuring out which medicine, and how much, might help her be completely seizure free.
Friends, I cannot tell you how many tears I have shed. My heart has literally felt like it has been squeezed to the point of bursting. It has been hard to breathe at times. I have felt like I’m stuck in a dark tunnel with no end.
But God.
I will not sugar coat this. Hard things happen all the time. And they happen to people who love God as often as they happen to people who do not know Him. I wish this weren’t true. I wish we were shielded from pain and hardship. But we all must walk through it because it’s part of this life and world.
In scripture, over and over again, you hear the Lord say, fear not. And His reason is always, I AM with you.
THIS is what I have experienced. He has spoken to me through His Word, through an almost imperceivable voice that comes up from my heart saying it will be okay, through birds, through what feels like His embrace when I am sobbing, through friends who pray, have dreams, text encouraging words and just listen, and through my family who are strong in their faith when I am not … especially my mom and Austin.
Friends, when your world is shaken, and things go dark, God is right there with you to hold you steady and shining His light … if even just a sliver. He will make the crooked places straight and place your feet on solid ground once again.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.
.... He says, “Be still, and know that I am God...” (Psalm 46:1-2, 10)
I’m learning to keep my eyes on Jesus, though the waves crash all around me. Though thunder threatens in the distance. Though the ground crumbles beneath my feet. His gaze is steady and full of love. It is more real and secure than any passing storm or earthquake. It can provide peace beyond understanding or reason. Though the waves are loud and distracting, we must quickly bring our eyes back to Him. I know it’s scary. I know it still hurts. But that is where joy resides. Where peace resides. Where LIFE resides. With Him, we will make it through this. I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but I know we will because:
He is GOOD. He is KIND. He is ABLE. And He is WILLING.
Day by day, friends. He has you and He loves you.